Do You Hear What is Said?

You can learn both what the other person knows and does not know about the subject being discussed.

You can help relieve tension – sometimes attentive listening may be the very thing that the other person needs to calm him down to reasonable discussion.

You can solve problems – sometimes the other person DOES have a good idea or a different viewpoint which can be the very solution for which you are looking.

How Well Do You Listen?

Do you stop talking, and not try to continue your own part of the conversation while the other person is trying to participate?

Do you concentrate on what is being said by focusing your attention on the words, the facial expression, the gestures and feeling that accompany what is being said by the other person?

Do you control your emotions (as much as possible) by pushing your own worries, your fears and misgivings to one side where they cannot anger or bar your attention from the speaker?

Do you listen for the main idea and not “flyspeck” the idea by minute examination? The main idea may be worth your own elaboration or expansion into something more worthwhile.

Do you argue mentally with the speaker while the person is still speaking, and thus set up a barrier which stands in the way of complete understanding?

Do you jump to conclusions and thus miss some of the major points the other person may make which would put a different interpretation on your viewpoint?

Do you antagonize the other person and by your actions or attitude cause that person to lose the thread of the idea which may have been of some value in solving the problem at hand?

Nonverbal Communication

Everyone’s personal communication style is unique and individual. We express ourselves not only through the words we choose and the arguments we select, but also in dozens of “non-verbal” mannerisms. These mannerisms are personal and unique, but they are not out of our power to control and change if we decide to.

To change our use of “body language,” we must first become aware of how we use it, and make an assessment of how effective we are.

Below is a list of body language and nonverbal components of communication with some suggested “do’s and don’ts.”

Eye Contact

DO: look directly at the person you are speaking to. Be attentive.

DON’T: cast your eyes down, blink too much or look away, stare, look down your nose at the person, squint, frown, or look away with a bored expression.

Body Posture

DO: hold yourself erect but comfortable, lean slightly toward the person, facing them.

DON’T: slump, turn away or shrug your shoulders helplessly, lean too far towards the other person in an overbearing way.

Gestures

DO: keep your hands open and in view, use fluid or rhythmic motions.

DON’T: wring or rub your hands, cover your mouth or lower part of your face with your hands, put your hands behind you or in your pockets; point or wave your finger in warning, pound your fists, shake your head in a negative way while the other person is talking, put your hands on your hips, jab your finger into the other person’s shoulder.

Facial Expressions

DO: keep your face muscles relaxed, use an expression that agrees with your message.

DON’T: smile constantly, bite or wet your lips frequently, swallow too often; clench your teeth, jut your jaw, flare your nostrils, keep your lips tightly pressed.

Voice Tone

DO: use a level, expressive, well-modulated conversational tone.

DON’T: whisper, speak indistinctly, pause in mid-sentence, shout, speak too rapidly.

Use of Silence and Pauses

DO: explain lengthy pauses, try to keep your response time to 2 to 5 seconds as in the give and take of normal conversation.

DON’T: refuse to respond at all, take more than 5 seconds to respond, respond with one word sentences; talk too much, interrupt, respond within 0 to 2 seconds.

Space Invasion

DO: use appropriate standing or sitting distance for each specific type of interaction:

Private zone . . . 18 inches

Friendship zone . . . 18-48 inches

Business zone . . . 4 feet to 12 feet

DON’T: violate the other person’s private space, stand too far away to have a comfortable conversation.